At the beginning of a relationship, when the crush is strong, the interest and attention towards your partner is often correspondingly strong. How do you keep the interest up even when the crush fades?
Dr. John M. Gottman is one of the most central researchers in couple therapy and is frequently referred to by couple therapists. In his search for what gives good lasting relationships, he has found that deposits in the »Love Bank», through showing an interest in a partner's inner life, are important. It is a success factor. You can show such interest, for example, through the questions you ask your partner. It's about continuing to be curious about each other after years.
Getting involved in conversations where you show interest in your partner's feelings and thoughts is important to ensure that you fill up a "buffer" for worse times.
This way you have something to go on when you as a couple face challenges. Questions that you can use in conversations can be; »Tell me more», »What did it do to you», »What feelings did it arouse in you?».
Getting quality time with your partner is also a deposit in the love bank.
Respond when your partner tries to contact you!
Who hasn't been annoyed by a partner who mumbles something in response to one's invitation to contact. The muttering usually comes at the same time as diligent tasting of the phone or other dubbing...
The partner is often experienced as absent, and eventually you become lonely in the twosome! When you are together to create deposits in the joint account in the love bank, it requires both mental and physical presence. This is a savings that is guaranteed return!
Start investing in your Future right now, spend some quality time with the one you love .
Love map
Gottman shows us how working with the foundational work of the relationship is essential to succeed in a relationship. So what is this basic work? He divides it into three main categories;
Well-developed love maps
Positive focus
Accommodating responses to invitations
A lover's map is, as Gottman describes it, a kind of map of the partner's inner world. That means everything your partner has experienced in life, how he/she is currently feeling, and what dreams exist for the further path of life. This is a map that needs daily updating. This happens by asking questions and noting the answers.
For some couples, this is where the work starts getting into a couples therapy process. Reacquainting yourself with your partner's life. Some become aware that they no longer know their partner. Perhaps also partially lost their curiosity along the way. In other words it is easy to loose sight of eachother along the way.
What is your partner's biggest fear in life? What does she/he dream about? Who is the other's best friend - and how is your partner really doing at work? Has the day been good? These are all examples of questions that - when explored, will build love maps. In the same way that a road map is a tool that allows you to find your way and orient yourself in a reasonable way, a well-developed love map will do the same.
A good overview of the other person's inner landscape makes it easier to understand what is happening in the interaction. This creates greater understanding for each other, and thus also becomes a buffer in relation to conflicts. If you have built up a love account with many deposits, you have something to go on during bad periods.
Invest smart! Invest in love!
